Le chateau de vent

When I came to wake you up with coffee this morning you were still sleeping. While you turned around and slowly opened your eyes you sighed and told me what you had been dreaming. In your dream you were making a nipple out of clay. Your hands circling endlessly. You stayed in bed with your eyes closed for another half hour.

Break up sex is one of the hardest ways to say goodbye. You hurt most in the softness of the arms of the one who just dumped you. But when she started the obligatory “We can’t continue like this” - routine, the only thing I thought was “Please let her get into bed with me just one more time.” She did bring me home after she had told me it was over. Guilt. I felt so miserable she had no choice. So she stayed. Not on the couch, but in my bed. “We can sleep together, but I don’t want to make love. That wouldn’t be fair to you.” She said. That made me feel even more miserable. I put out the light and turned to my side, away from the body that rejected me. Hurt. All night when I had tried to kiss her deeper and with tongue she had avoided me. But now in the bed, we were on dangerous grounds. The mind can be strong but the flesh is weak. Familiar flesh is even weaker. I felt I was caught in a pantomime of breaking up, not able to change anything about what was going to happen, but I knew s...

We’re sitting at the table, finishing dinner and we talk about insurance. I think that the insurance you have might be inadequate. “I’m hardly ever ill.” You say.”It’s not worth paying an extra fee for.” You pause. “Don’t worry.” You add. “I’ll get extra insurance before I’m fifty.” Fifty. I look at you and a gap in time opens. “I’ve got time.” You say. ”Still more than 10 years to go.” 10 years. I’m not sitting at the table in our house, I have been sucked away in a black hole of fear. “What’s ten years.” I think. “And then another ten. Sixty. And another ten.” I wish I could draw you into this black hole with me, this hiding place against time.